The Cupcake Time Diet

Cupcake Time Diet Is Here!
At long last, our diet is ready for you to enjoy!  Remember this diet incorporates all of the successes you would enjoy using the Satan Diet but it extends it – and lets you enjoy one sweet treat everyday so you can stick to your diet.  How can this work? You say. Well.  Science News recently published an 8 month study that actually added a sweet to breakfast for the experimental group but those people otherwise followed the same diet as the control group.  Guess what.  At month 4 all dieters had lost pretty much the same amount of weight (33 pounds each) but in the last 4 months of the diet, the control group people gained 22 of those pounds back while the people who ate dessert with breakfast lost another 15 pounds each!

Here are the details of the Cupcake Time Diet:

Daily:

  1. You get one cupcake and one egg each morning. Both must be eaten before 10:30 a.m.  If you miss the time, don’t eat the cupcake.  Save it for tomorrow.
  2. Note the time of day you take your first bite of food. You have 10 hours from that time to eat (this is your Food Day). For example, if you take your first bite of cupcake at 8 a.m., you have until 6 p.m. to eat. After that, it’s just water or tea for you, Missy.

After 10:30 a.m. your diet is different each day.

  • Day 1:  Eat all the fruit you want with the exception of bananas. Do not eat any bananas.  Eating melons will help you lose the most weight since they are mostly water. Note this does not say drink juices – you have to eat the fruit.
  • Day 2:  Eat vegetables all day long.  Avoid peas, corn, and beans. Eat one baked potato today. The vegetables can be raw, cooked, frozen – whatever you desire.
  • Day 3: Eat a combination of the same types of fruits and vegetables you have eaten during the past two days – minus the baked potato.
  • Day 4:  Eat all the fruit you want with the exception of bananas. Do not eat any bananas.  Eating melons will help you lose the most weight since they are mostly water.
  • Day 5:  Eat vegetables all day long.  Avoid peas, corn, and beans. You can have one baked potato today. The vegetables can be raw, cooked, frozen – whatever you desire.
  • Day 6:  Eat a combination of the same fruits and vegetables you have eaten during the past two days – minus the baked potato. At lunchtime eat some red meat – a hamburger, steak, or other meat that will provide you with protein. Eat it before hour 6 of your Food Day.
  • Day 7: Eat a combination of the same fruits and vegetables you have eaten during the past two days – minus the baked potato.
  • Day 8: Eat up to 6 bananas and 6 servings of low fat milk or yogurt. Yes, the yogurt can be flavored. No, the milk cannot be chocolate.  Bananas sliced into a bowl of milk can be a tasty breakfast as long as you don’t add refined sugar.
  • Day 9: Eat all of the chicken and turkey you want today. You can have the chicken roasted, boiled, or fried; just remember the better choices you make will result in more weight loss. You also must eat 6 medium sized tomatoes (this is important). Drink a full glass of water with each tomato to rid your body of uric acid. Eating a tomato with the meat is a great idea.
  • Day 10: Eat up to 6 bananas and 6 servings of low fat milk or yogurt. Yes, the yogurt can be flavored. No, the milk cannot be chocolate. Bananas sliced into a bowl of milk can be a tasty breakfast as long as you don’t add refined sugar.
  • Day 11: Eat all the chicken and turkey you want today.  You can have the chicken roasted, boiled, or fried; just remember the better choices you make will result in more weight loss. You also must eat 6 medium sized tomatoes (this is important). Drink a full glass of water with each tomato to rid your body of uric acid. Eating a tomato with the meat is a great idea.
  • Day 12: Eat chicken, turkey, pork chops, and vegetables all day long to your heart’s content. Avoid potatoes but feel free to eat any other vegetable. The less meat you eat the greater your weight loss.
  • Day 13: Eat Ultimate Soup all day long. Nothing else. This might be hard but after today you’re finished!

 A few tips:

  • If at all possible, buy organic. This will help your body with chelation since this diet is healthy and will also act as a cleansing diet.
  • Be sure you shop at least a day ahead so you have your food for the day.  Nothing kills this diet like not having the right food available when you’re hungry.
  • The ten hour Food Day is to aid your body in producing ghrelin appropriately. You need to get used to actually having an evening fast.
  • If you are up late and feel hungry, go to bed. Do not break your night time fast. Your body is only asking for more energy because you are up past your bedtime.
  • No alcoholic drinks or sodas during this two week period. Period.
  • You can only have the cupcake and the egg before 10:30 a.m. because your body converts food to energy most efficiently during the morning.  If you crave sweets, convince yourself to wait until tomorrow morning. You can do it!
  • You can substitute a muffin for the cupcake if you’d like.  Bran muffins are full of fiber, moist, and tasty. This recipe also make a ton and you can store the batter in the fridge so you can whip out a batch in the middle of the week in the time it takes to cook them.
  • If you are getting shaky or have hypoglycemia, email us. We’ll give you a few ideas on what you can do without ruining your opportunity to lose weight.
  • As much as we love Crumb’s cupcakes we must mention that one crumbs cupcake really counts as two cupcakes, so cut it in half and save some of that deliciousness for tomorrow!  We’d love to eat the whole thing but eating a giant-ass cupcake will give you well….
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Too Much Of A Good Thing

Cupcake Time Diet and Larry Craig's Wide StanceWe are ready to reveal our Cupcake Time Diet!  But before we do that, we need to have a very serious talk with you. So listen up.

This diet works! It’s loosely based on the Satan Diet because we wanted to keep it successful, simple, and sweet. You get a treat every day if you want one so you don’t have to cheat! But there is a drawback to this diet that we want you to be aware of right off the bat.  Well, first a little background.

We were merrily losing weight and eating cupcakes every morning. It was great to lose weight while also not feeling deprived. We talked about adding some exercise (you know, just to mix things up a bit) when suddenly our world went nuts.

We aren’t sure how or why but everything that can go wrong is going wrong in our lives!  OMG when is enough enough? We’ll have to get back to you on that because we are still too busy putting out large fires (not small fires, mind you) on a twice daily basis.  These crises have impacted most aspects of our lives and have kept us hopping (and often staring at ceiling tiles by the end of the day saying, “dah, dah, dah” and finally going to bed).  Take these past couple of days for example.

We headed to New York for Brooke’s birthday brunch and had a tire blow out on the freeway; which was surprising because the tires are quite new. Luckily, Jake and Emma were with us so we got the tire changed and were on our way pretty quickly. (Thank you to the very nice man on the motorcycle who stopped to see if we were all okay. We hope you read this and know who you are.) We stopped at the next town because Sherry didn’t want to be driving that far with that ugly baby spare tire on her car – it’s not super safe and very uncool. The tire company (after a few false starts and a few errors) discovered our poor car had a big big problem.  Our little car had what some Senators are still calling a Wide Stance. However, our car wasn’t forced out of office – the wide stance forced it to run on the inside of the tires so one had blown out and the other rear tire had steel belts coming through the tire on the inside rim. They advised us to purchase a second new tire (which we did) and to keep the car out of the men’s bathroom (if you get our drift). We promise, this solicitation was valid and legal. Haha

We got back on the road and realized it was too late for Emma to keep our brunch date as she had a date with her internship so we zipped her to work (which is actually funnier than our wide stance joke if you’ve ever tried to drive cross-town in New York rush hour) and headed to the Upper West Side for what would now be a belated lunch. Not to be so.

On 57th and 1st Ave the car died. It just died. Dead. No horn, no windows, no nothing.  Kind of like the foreseeable political career of Carlos Danger.  What? How can the battery be dead when it’s a new battery?!? What is going on?  No time to think about that as the entire city of New York was honking at us. No pressure whatsoever.  Jake is a strong guy! He pushed the car out of traffic and to the side of the street while a very nice police lady held the traffic for us.  Again, a nice man came to our aid but this time he had no motorcycle.  With the assistance of AAA, we had the car safely towed (dead alternator and battery and all) for the evening. Have you ever needed a car repair in Manhattan? If you do, let us know – we know the very best shop (and have every single credit card and piggy bank on hand because repairs aren’t inexpensive there).

Our well-planned and much anticipated brunch had become a late dinner. Thai food.  But still a day. Which leads to our warning.

When life keeps handing you lemons and you are sick to death of making lemonade and you are tired of throwing them at everybody, you might seek comfort and solace in food. We were making our own cupcakes – one batch was taking care of roughly a week of eating on the Cupcake Time Diet. So, when life get rough with you, you need to throw those cupcakes in the garbage and stop the diet immediately. Seek comfort in the arms of a loved one, a good book, impotent anger at the world, or That 70s Show but don’t wreck your success at weight loss!  Like. We. Did.    There you are warned.

The next time you hear from us (if we live through the night) it will be to present our newly developed diet plan with you!  We are so excited!!!  And the car? Our local mechanic says it is time to force that resignation after all – which has led to even more lemon stories if you can believe that!

The Satan Diet Works but We’re Taking It a Step Farther

Devil Diet - Eat OrganicWhen we used the Satan Diet, the pounds magically came off. There is no doubt about that. But why?  How are we losing weight when we’re eating copious quantities of food (albeit food in specific categories).  One reason is that we’re initially eating fruits and vegetables; foods that are primarily composed of water. Another reason is that we really haven’t found fruits in season (since this is early Spring) and we are picky about our fruits. There is one more, very important reason, however, that most people aren’t recognizing. It can be summed up in one simple word; chelation.

Chelation is the process your body uses to remove metal-based contaminants (such as lead, aluminum, cadmium, and mercury) via the bloodstream; then the metals are excreted in your urine (ew).  The levels of pollution in the air you breathe and the food you eat are astounding.  Many people claim these toxins are killing us via increased illness, cancers, and damage to your neurological system.

As toxins build in your body, you become tired, lethargic, more prone to illness, and susceptible to auto-immune disorders. Sherry noticed right away that she was feeling better when we added fruits and vegetables to our diets.  She found she wasn’t hungry as often and we both noticed her arthritis was doing better.  Well, to be honest we did a couple of things about that arthritis; Sherry makes sure she gets 1/2 a tablespoon of cinnamon and some local raw honey every day. We read those two foods could help ameliorate some of the  pain and swelling of arthritis. It seems to have made a little difference but then we added the vegetable thing within 2 months so we can’t say how much of the improvement is from what change – we can just say there has been overall incremental improvement. So much for the scientific method.

Anyway, chelation can be a horrid medical procedure if you have serious metal poisonings (think Lead Poisoning). What most people don’t realize is that our bodies also follow a natural process of chelation that is made possible by the foods we eat (or should be eating in any case).  We don’t even have to think about it. It just happens.  But the next time someone asks you to do something you really don’t want to do, simply say, “I’m sorry, I’ll be busy chelating at that time and won’t be able to do that for you.”  They will walk away truly confused, yet satisfied that you are indeed busy with important work that they won’t dare question and you’ll have time for that book you’ve been trying to get to  (or a nap).

Anyway, chelation is the largest case against junk food.  Eating processed foods all day can fill you up and make you invariably happy but these foods don’t have what it takes to encourage chelation in your body.  The more you fill up on tasty junk food, the more over-burdened your body will be with the buildup of toxins. You need to eat a variety of food to assist your body with chelation.  Here are the foods that matter:

  • Pectin occurs naturally in lots of fruits and vegetables and has been found to chelate heavy metals and other toxins from your body.  Good sources of natural pectin include apples, grapes, beets, carrots, bananas, cabbage, and the pith (that icky white part) of citrus fruits.
  • Cilantro (and the coriander seed it produces) not only perform normal chelation functions but are said to cross the blood-brain barrier and remove metals from the brain. This could be very important to potential Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s sufferers as experts continue to research the link between increased metals in the brain and these two diseases.  Right now experts only state there is some type of protein-metal interaction that takes place to keep us free of these diseases and the jury is still out regarding what is genetic and what is environmental. There is no proof that eating cilantro or avoiding soda pop packaged in aluminum containers will stave off either disease – but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?
  • Cruciferous Vegetables contain antioxidants that increase the production of detoxifying enzymes in your body. These vegetables include staples such as arugula, horseradish, cabbage, kale, and broccoli and are rumored to also have anti-cancer effects – always a good thing.
  • Sulfer Rich Foods such as broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, onion, garlic, and brussels sprouts work to also remove heavy metals from your body.
  • Amino Acids are also natural chelating agents.  Your body makes 10 of the 20 needed essential amino acids (or proteins) naturally but you must use food to obtain the other 10.  Proteins control virtually all cellular processes so you don’t want to short yourself on them – and your body doesn’t create a store of them so you must get new ones all of the time.  Again, it is the interaction of proteins and metals in the brain that are the focus of research on Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s diseases – so this is very important stuff. Amino acids can be obtained by eating meats, dairy products, and/or a rich variety of plants.  Nutritionists used to believe you had to eat a combination of foods to create a complete protein to derive benefit. This is why vegans are often working to ensure they have adequate nutrition – but that combination theory is out the door. You don’t need to combine to benefit (which made Sherry kind of sad because she was always careful to drink milk when eating Peanut M&Ms to ensure she was getting at least one complete protein. All of that work for nothing!).

As you read through this list of foods, you’re probably making an internal inventory and congratulating yourself on eating many of these foods already. Go ahead, be smug. You’ve earned it! And we hope you’ve made the connection between the Satan Diet and chelation.  Following the Satan Diet eliminates the processed foods your body has been enjoying and replaces them with more of the foods that support chelation. As you diet, you are getting rid of excess heavy metals in your body – so you are getting a detox cleanse free of charge.  During this diet you are not just losing weight; you’re getting your body to a healthier state of being.

But there is one rub. (Sherry’s turn to be smug.) Our food supply isn’t what we think it is. We have eaten Farm Bred and Atlantic Salmon without realizing we were also ingesting mercury and other toxins. We all switched from red meats to chicken in an effort to be healthy not realizing farmers are poisoning our chicken with arsenic (in the form of the drug, 3-Nitro) to enhance weight and skin pigmentation…oh, and to control diseases. When the FDA verified this back in 2011, the industry volunteered to conduct a 30-day phase out of its use – and then got caught again just now in February of 2013 when inorganic levels of arsenic was again noticed in chickens and again traced back to the continued use of 3-Nitro. No, my friends, there is no honor among farmers from the looks of things.  Now think about everything we’re learning about Monsanto – genetically engineered produce that harms us and food doused with heavy pesticides that can be absorbed by food.  The question often returns to – what in the world are we eating? Do we know? (Sherry smugly maintains that an Oreo is an Oreo and M&Ms are M&Ms so all that junk food is superior to those vegetables and meats everyone else is eating. Unfortunately, Sherry is chelating any time soon with this attitude.)

So, as a suggestion, if you want to boost the benefits of your Satan Diet, you can purchase  organically grown food during your diet week. This helps because you are actually aiding the chelation process by not adding any extra metals or toxins via the pesticides, arsenic, and growth chemicals used on our food supplies.  This organic food recommendation is indeed going to be part of our upcoming Cupcake Diet (still in the works – but making progress).

Satan Doesn’t Lie

ImageWe aren’t sure if this is supposed to be the Satan Diet or the Satin Diet.  We did a little research. It’s called the Satan Diet because you can “eat your heart out”; which we thought was kind of gross. We would propose changing its name to the Satin Diet because the weight just slides off; like when you’re using satin sheets. Wait, if it’s the Satin Diet we would probably just fill ourselves with chocolate satin pie – forget it. We are back on the Satan diet. Why? Because it takes weight off, fast.

Will the weight stay off? Probably, if we don’t eat a bunch of calories that we don’t need. We were able to maintain our last loss on this diet with the Weight Watcher’s Points Plus plan.  So, at least for the short term, we would say yes.

We know dieting lore says that crash diets don’t work for the long term. But we’re wondering who decided that for everybody. We were actually talking the other day about how, when you’re a teenager, people will tell you not to shave your upper thighs. They tell you that the hair will grow back courser and thicker.  Millions of teenage girls wander around life with hairy upper thighs until one day, logic kicks in.  Your mind cocks its imaginary head and thinks, “If I shave that hair off, it doesn’t matter how it grows back because I’m going to keep shaving it off.”  We wonder if this is the indicator that your frontal lobe has finally reached maturity. Who started that lie anyway?  The hair doesn’t grow back coarser, it is simply stubbly at first just like any shaved hair. If you wait a few weeks it’s right back to soft. Don’t believe us? Try it.

The same principle can be applied to crash diets (in our opinions). Do the math. Say you diet on a sensible long term plan for 6 months and, through persistence and your staid ability to not cheat, you lose 10 pounds. You stop dieting but, because you have theoretically learned some good eating habits, you continue to eat pretty well. Well, except you do revert to some of your favorite eating habits that you missed dearly. At the end of the next six months, you regain 5 pounds. That means that at the end of the year, your net loss is five pounds.  Unless you were extremely thin to start, no one will ever notice you lost weight.

Now say you use the Satan Diet and lose 5 pounds each week you’re on it. In that same six months, you would have lost 30 pounds (5 pounds each month as this is a once a month diet). If you’ve maintained the loss, you’ve probably picked up a few good eating habits along the way. At the end of 6 months, you quit dieting once every four weeks but you eat pretty well since you’ve figured out how to add fruits and vegetables to your diet – you hold on to some of your old eating habits because you never really gave them up. At the end of the second six months, you have gained 10 pounds. That means at the end of the year, your net loss is 20 pounds. Everyone noticed how thin you looked so you feel better about yourself and work to keep that weight off. And besides, you can always go back and visit Satan a few times to quickly lose that weight again. We kind of think the same people who lie to you about your thigh hairs are also telling you to never crash diet. Think how much better their lives will be if you remain fat and hairy!

Gypsy Moments

Gypsy MomentsWe had another adventure today. Brooke had an internship interview in Massachusetts so we hopped in the car and found our way to the interview. It was only 45 minutes away and the interview didn’t last very long. On our way home, we got to chatting and somehow missed that critical spot where we were supposed to move from one interstate system to the next. But, of course we didn’t notice. We were actually discussing what we liked and didn’t like about the Satan Diet and trying to decide if we wanted to try it again in a few weeks. We’ve really liked this diet for short term weight loss!

“Hey, look, there’s an alternative route to the interstate we need! I didn’t notice that before, should we take it?”

“Ummm. I don’t know. Do you think we’ll get lost?”

“Probably not, but I really want you to know how to get to work and back if you get this internship so we should probably pass it up this time.”

And we continued down the road and with our conversation. Eventually we started taking note of interesting points of view and names of towns that we hadn’t noticed on the way to the interview. This is the point where oblivion has usually turned into recognition that we are, again, lost.

We don’t mind being lost! Lost usually means an adventure of one sort or another although it also means a lot of induced stress. Sherry panics and Brooke starts up the gps on her phone. We call her Gypsy. Everyone needs a Gypsy who can send you home when you get lost. We re-routed, as commanded by Gypsy, and were again on our way. As we retraced our route on the interstate we noticed the beautiful, deep gray sky overhead and started reminiscing about the Midwest trip we took when Brooke was young. At that time, Sherry instructively explained that the Flash Flood warning on the radio was a lot like the Blizzard warnings we would hear at home in the wintertime (we lived in the Rocky Mountain area at the time) and told the kids how that meant the weather people were noting it could be dangerous to be outside….as we drove down the long, flat plains road toward the impending storm. (To be honest, the weather in the Rocky Mountains is so brutal most people just ignore the warnings and get on with life knowing they might be a little late getting home to dinner.) We were in awe at the dark wall of clouds that loomed ahead of us – on the ground, as we drove right into them and the heart of the most audacious rainstorm we have ever encountered! We noted how it looked like a little kid was pouring a bucket of water over a diesel truck as we passed by and were hit by the ongoing waterfall coming from the side of the truck – the rain was that heavy! After some white knuckle driving and some awesome rain-induced views (and one or two encounters with hydroplaning) we saw an orange glow appear in the surrounding blackness. It slowly became sunlight as we broke through the storm and found the calm. We will never be able to describe the feeling that accompanied that magnificent view.

It began to rain on us right at that moment. This was an audacious rainstorm! The rain was pelting us so hard we were sure it had to be a hail storm – but it wasn’t. We drove through the downpour enjoying the earthy smells and wonderful sights, expecting to find birds being pushed from the sky by the rain (didn’t happen), occasionally whooping with joy, and breathing a sigh of relief at any close calls we encountered with other cars. It was exit 21 on I-91 in Connecticut; if any of you happened to be there you know exactly how exhilarating this storm was! The lightening was fantastic! We eventually drove out of the heart of the storm – it was not nearly as dramatic as our Midwest storm but we were so happy we’d been lost!  If we hadn’t been lost, we’d have missed the opportunity to be out in the best storm of the year!

We don’t mind being lost (which is good since we seem to do it a lot); we’ve found that lost means gained opportunities, some intense times, and many happy memories.  And we always seem to get found again: Gypsy or no Gypsy.

Green Skittles Are a Vegetable

Green SkittlesWe woke up to the strangest smell….not a good one. In fact, a really really bad one. It lead us to the shower. You see, our dogs (Maggie and Cici) love to sleep in the shower. They think of it as their personal cave. At night we open the shower door, throw in two dogs and a fluffy dog towel and they’re good to go until morning.  Not this morning, though. The dogs seem to have contracted the doggy flu to celebrate Vegetable Day of the Satan Diet. Honestly, it’s more like a bout of doggy dysentery. We call it the poopy puppy syndrome. Poor puppies.

It’s not enough that we already have a strong dislike for vegetables, now we have a strong psychological pairing of them with that really really bad smell. It was pretty horrific. Two hours later, we had clean dogs, a clean shower, a clean bathtub, scarred psyches, and sick stomachs. The fluffy dog towel took a trip to the garbage can and is now enjoying an adventure-filled ride to the dump. And the smell of cauliflower for breakfast just about killed us.

We made pot roast last Fall. We merrily filled the crock pot roast with spices, potatoes, carrots, and pot roast. We ate the roast and the potatoes but neither of us like cooked carrots. Why did we add carrots if we won’t eat them? Well, they flavor our food the way we like it.  Anyway, Sherry thought it was fun to feed the carrots to the dogs. Maggie, an ungainly Shi Tzu, will stand on her hind legs and pirouette for a carrot. She looks like a tiny circus bear. Cici, the 4 pound poodle, was sproinging around like a dysfunctional rocket and was rewarded deeply for her efforts. If you have ever fed your dog carrots you will understand why this morning brought back memories of that happy day. It was followed by two days of carrot-induced poopy puppy syndrome. The dogs will never get another carrot again. Dog poop and vegetables are firmly paired in our minds for life. And here we are committed to eating vegetables all day long.  Oh the smells.

“I can’t bear to think of asparagus for lunch.”

“Mom, we really need to eat a green vegetable. We’ve made this commitment; let’s do this.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking. Green Skittles are a vegetable. I mean, they’re green and everything.”

“No, mom. Just no.”

“Think about it. They wouldn’t make them green if they weren’t vegetable-like.  And we like green Skittles.”

“How about some peas instead?  You like peas.”

“We aren’t supposed to eat them.  No corn, beans, or peas. But we get a baked potato for dinner. Do you think we could get away with butter and sour cream on our potatoes?”

“If you want you can do that. But I’m betting we wouldn’t lose weight.”

“What about green M & Ms? They’re a deeper green and if we get the peanut ones and drink a little milk we would have a complete protein.” (See, Sherry was committed to being a vegetarian once and was told she had to worry about making complete proteins in her diet. It was a fail, but she became quite adept at pairing all sorts of junk food (as complementary proteins) with milk to create complete proteins.)

“Nope. Not going to happen. If you keep it up, I’ll make you eat a green lollipop. That could be a vegetable, too.”

“Ick. Those smell like dirty feet. Guess we’ll have to settle for the asparagus.”

Brooke is the best break-up buddy ever!