Red-Line Ad Red-Lined

A disgruntled, graduated law student  red-lined a help wanted ad by IBM that was hoping to hire desperate J.D.s (who can’t find jobs) as red-liners. 

IBM is seeking desperate candidates for employment as IBM Attorneys “Law Clerks” in the IBM Law Department’s “Legal Resources Center” (LRC) located in the basement of an abandoned bank on the Michigan State University campus in East Lansing, MI (when there’s an actual office IBM building just 45 minutes away in Southfield, MI). We plan to conduct on-site interviews at the last minute at some top tier schools and other lower tier schools, hoping to grab those with no options left who we can trick into believing that our program is “unique”. Our lawyers in the LRC perform a wide variety of busy work legal work in support of the IBM Corporation, such as the analysis of bitch work during due diligence in M&A transactions, analysis of applicant restrictive covenants, confidentiality agreements, EEOC work, environmental work, software licensing support, government contract negotiations, and various legal research projects, with a particular emphasis on complex technology agreements playing WarLight online video games as a team, learning poker, and playing board games in conference rooms.

Our lawyers analyze and red-line a wide variety of technology agreements, including outsourcing, systems integration, and other IT contracts, basically monkey work. These attorneys support more senior IBM lawyers and business professionals who negotiate with the company’s customers don’t even know the LRC attorneys exist and barely acknowledge the program and laugh at the salary.

Prior technology experience is not a requirement, as successful candidates will receive in-depth training foreeeeeeever. The paralegal $55,000 starting salary, which doesn’t even allow you to qualify for loan forgiveness, forcing LRC members to choose between a real dinner or paying Sallie Mae, will be augmented with health benefits, paid vacation or unpaid whenever the managers decide not to fly in; not even they want to live in East Lansing, and other IBM employee benefits like “working” from home on Fridays.  As admission to the Michigan (55% pass rate… why would you take this bar?) or New York bar is required, IBM will pay bar review course tuition and bar examination fees, although you’ve likely already paid this yourself since they don’t make offers until well after bar registration. In the future After 2 years, successful lucky candidates will have the opportunity to compete beg/boycott/mutiny or date in order to leave East Lansing and to be treated like a real attorney elsewhere within the company for other assignments and advancement to more senior positions in the IBM legal department like in NY or DC, where they won’t even give you a cost of living adjustment.

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